How to Evaluate Peer Supporters, Coaches, and Therapists Who Are Marketing to Non-Monogamous Clients
some thoughts on pursuing valuable help and avoiding harm
I’m feeling some urgency to write about criteria for evaluating peer supporters, coaches, and therapists in the non-monogamy world. This is partly because of specific requests from people in my immediate community, and partly because of witnessing this topic coming up repeatedly on social media.
My purpose in this post is to lay out some ideas and questions for non-monogamous folks to do their own vetting of helping professionals when they find themselves in need of help. This may be useful beyond non-monogamy and apply more broadly to marginalized/stigmatized groups, but for today’s purposes, I will try to limit my thoughts to the non-monogamy sphere.
First, some information about my background and what I bring to this topic.
I’m a relational coach, Cuddlist (therapeutic, platonic touch practitioner), workshop facilitator/educator, and writer. I hold formal certifications in trauma-informed coaching, peer support for mental health issues, and the Cuddlist method. I’m also a queer, polyamorous relationship anarchist deeply invested in serving those who are also living in relationally transformative and non-conformist ways. It matters to me enormously that non-monogamous people receive quality support in an atmosphere of safety, trust, skill, and accountability. I want people to understand that they deserve the utmost in care and respect, whether that’s from me or anybody else. In addition to non-monogamous folks, I also serve people who don’t necessarily identify as non-mono but question or reject prevailing notions of “proper” relating, such as mononormativity, nuclear family models, amatonormativity, and pressures to be isolated, hyperindividualist, and patriarchal. We are too often stigmatized and misunderstood and we do not generally hold a lot of power as a group.
I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology as well as master’s degrees in gender/cultural studies and library science. At various points I considered becoming a psychiatric nurse, an academic in the field of social psychology, or a clinical psychologist. I hope to write more in a separate essay about what pulled me in those directions, and why I ultimately decided not to pursue those paths (and what I did instead). I point it out now so you can understand more where I’m coming from, and that I’m intimately aware that there are pros and cons to considering different types of helping professionals, both as a client and as a professional myself.
I want to be part of a network of professionals that practices mutual accountability, learning, and growth. I want us to listen deeply and not shy away from discussions about ethics and standards of practice. I want us to question normative, institutionalized practices and not assume by default that licensure, governing boards, mental health systems, or states will provide us with all the tools and safety that we need. I want us to own our mistakes and make amends, not begrudgingly, but because we wholeheartedly want to practice integrity. I want us to be humble, introspective, devoted to fostering genuine healing, engaged in respectful dialogue, and aware that we are all lifelong learners, no matter our credentials, number of followers, social or academic accolades, or any other marker of conventional “success.”
I have experienced harm from professionals who were supposed to help me, including from licensed therapists. Any type of professional can cause harm. (As a client I have also experienced help, value, and integrity from particular therapists, coaches, and peer supporters.) I’m concerned to witness people blaming entire industries such as coaching or peer support for the bulk of harmful behavior in the non-monogamy space and beyond, solely on the basis of their being unlicensed professions, while allowing therapists to be let off the hook for closer scrutiny, purely because they require licensure. I propose that the criteria for evaluating all of these professionals should be more detailed and specific than only focusing on whether someone is licensed by the state or not. There are many therapists, coaches, peer supporters, somatic practitioners, etc. whom I admire and respect and with whom I seek collaboration, using criteria that I lay out in this post.
But first, a visual break and a breather.
Evaluation Criteria
Type of Help Needed
What specific issue or issues are bringing you to seek professional help? Gaining clarity on this question ahead of time will help you to discern which kinds of helpers to seek out.
Do you want or need to engage with the formal mental health system? If you need specialized treatment for a mental health condition and/or a diagnosis, the mental health system is the way to go (licensed therapists of which there are many types, beyond the scope of this article to describe, but it’s worth diving into the differences between the types if you go this route). Remember that you can seek help from more than one type of practitioner; for example, you might seek mental health treatment for trauma, anxiety, depression, etc. from a licensed therapist in addition to seeking specialized help with non-monogamy from a coach or peer supporter. It’s important to be aware that a large majority of professionals in the mental health system have not received specific training in caring for non-monogamous clients.
Are you specifically avoiding the mental health system? There are a variety of reasons why people avoid this system: harm experienced or anticipated, concerns about confidentiality of notes and insurance records, wanting to avoid being diagnosed as disordered when it’s not necessary, wanting to avoid applying a medical lens or other frameworks to understanding their relational issues, etc. Coaches and peer supporters are not beholden to that system, although vetting them further is still important. Note, however, that there are increasingly more therapists who are also taking on coaching roles, with or without specific coach training, often as a result of frustration and struggle with the health care industry and insurance companies. It’s useful to know the full background and training of practitioners you’re considering and how that shapes how they approach your relationship (it’s good to ask directly).
Is it individualized help that you need, and/or would you benefit from leaning on a larger non-monogamous community? There are many organized and informal non-monogamous groups that offer social events, learning opportunities, conferences, discussions, and informal support. Personally, I’ve observed that it can make a big difference for many to be involved in a non-monogamous community, regardless of whether one seeks professional assistance with non-monogamy—these pursuits are not mutually exclusive. I facilitate such a group myself, Relationship Anarchy Twin Cities, which meets monthly, in person, in St. Paul, Minnesota and also has a Discord server. Be aware, however, that if you would benefit from individualized, professional help in a fully confidential setting, such groups will not be able to provide that.
Accessibility (financial and otherwise)
How will you be paying for this help? In the US, if you plan to use health insurance, you are limited to licensed therapists or other licensed health care professionals who accept insurance (some do not). There is no licensing body for coaches or peer supporters and therefore no option to use insurance.
What are you able to afford? Any practitioner, regardless of type, should be transparent with their pricing. More expensive does not necessarily translate to “better”—for example, if you lack compatibility with a practitioner or don’t feel safe with them, no amount of higher price will compensate for that. It can be useful to compare prices and balance this against the value you hope to gain.
If your financial means are limited, does the practitioner offer tiered rates, package deals, or a sliding scale? If not, are they open to discussing this? Some practitioners are not in a position to be offering significant discounts, but it can be worthwhile to ask.
What accommodations are offered for disabilities or other challenges?
Where does the practitioner meet with clients? Online, in person, or both? Are there any geographical limitations?
How full is their schedule?
Experience and Training
Do you need assistance from someone who is non-monogamous themselves? I’ll admit up front, I have a bias towards non-monogamous professionals providing help to clients specifically seeking assistance with non-monogamous issues. I believe lived experience does matter, although not necessarily an indicator of safety or value. Of course, lived experiences vary tremendously, and there is still a need to understand what biases a practitioner holds, whether they are have any explicit or hidden agendas, how long they have been engaging with these issues, what the range of issues includes, etc. Whatever the lived experience of a practitioner, they should not be imposing a worldview or set of values on clients, but rather skillfully assisting clients to navigate, examine, and grow their own worldviews and values. Particular conflicting values may indicate that practitioners and clients are not compatible.
What formal education and training does the practitioner have? For licensed therapists, this will generally mean they have a minimum of a master’s degree, have passed an exam, and are supervised for a specific amount of time by a more experienced clinician. It can be useful to ask therapists how they felt about their education, how it influences their practice today, if they felt anything was lacking or worthy of critique, and what theories and modalities have most influenced their approach.
For coaches, it’s important to be aware that there is no regulation of the title “coach.” There is formal training available for coaching, and some programs are accredited by bodies such as the International Coaching Federation (ICF). If a practitioner mentions that they received training, it can be helpful to ask through which program(s) they studied, if they are certified and by whom, and what areas of specialization they sought out. What mentoring have they received? If a coach does not have formal training, you may want to ask what coaching means to them—what do they believe it includes or excludes? Are they clear on the boundaries of their role?
For peer supporters, there is also no regulation of the title “peer supporter.” In general, it means someone who has personal experience in a particular area (in this case, non-monogamy) who is willing to be in a supportive role with other peers. Something to be aware of, at least in the US, is that being a peer support specialist in the areas of mental health and/or substance use issues is also a thing; most states offer certification as a peer specialist, but this is not the same as specializing in non-monogamy. I happen to be certified in the state of Minnesota as a peer support specialist, but this is in my wheelhouse of peer support for mental health issues. For those offering peer support in non-monogamy, some questions to ask a practitioner might include: How do you define the boundaries of your peer support role? What does “peer support” mean to you? Do you adhere to a code of conduct and/or ethics, and if not, could you say more about your personal ethics in this role? How do you structure sessions? What do you bring to this role that adds value for your clients? Have you received training or mentoring in peer support? What distinguishes your offerings from talking to a friend or asking for support from a non-monogamy group?
For all types of practitioners, questions to ask can include: How has their training and experience influenced how they view clients? Did their training include any mention of non-monogamy, and if so, how was it approached? Do they take a strengths-based approach? How do they see clients in their relational and cultural context? What kinds of continuing education do they engage in, if any? Has any of their continuing education included a specific focus on supporting non-monogamous people? Do they receive any type of supervision or engage in mutual support and accountability with professionals in the same field? What would they do if something came up that was outside of their experience or scope?
What informal learning experiences have shaped the practitioner’s approach? If they do not have formal training, what can they tell you about how they structure sessions, the theories and values that underlie their work, how they handle conflict, and how they maintain safety for clients? For all practitioners with or without formal training, how does their life experience inform their work?
Safety
Safety in the relationship between client and helping professional is a large and crucial topic, one that I can’t hope to do complete justice to in the scope of this article. I will state this unequivocally: you deserve safety. Practitioners of any type have an obligation to provide a safe space for you to be honest, vulnerable, and open to insight, learning, and growth. They should pay close attention to maintaining appropriate boundaries and practicing ongoing consent. At the very least, they should commit to avoiding causing harm to their clients, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and have accountability mechanisms in place. As a non-monogamous person, a status that is often stigmatized and marginalized, you deserve particular mindfulness and consideration, as well as for the full range of experiences, practices, and identities you hold. Helping professionals are supposed to be helping, not harming. You are paying for a service and it should ultimately enhance your life, not hurt you.
By “safety” I don’t mean to imply that clients should never be challenged or held accountable. Many times the healing and growth process in therapy, coaching, or peer support involves facing into difficult truths, woundedness, and being encouraged to examine one’s beliefs and any alignment or disalignment between one’s values and behavior. Additionally, practitioners need to take steps to insure their own physical and emotional safety in the professional relationship, and clients also are responsible for their own behavior. Safety is not passive or static; it is co-created relationally, and any helping professional worth their salt invests time and effort into building trust and safety. Without trust and safety, there is little to no basis for true learning and healing.
Different professional fields have differing expectations for practitioners in terms of safety and ethical practice. For example, as a trauma-informed coach trained and certified through an ICF-accredited program, I adhere to the ICF Code of Ethics. As a therapeutic platonic touch professional trained and certified by Cuddlist, I follow the Cuddlist Code of Conduct. All therapists, formally-trained coaches, and other formally-trained helping professionals generally follow a standard for conduct and ethics. (You may want to check out these guidelines for psychologists, social workers, marriage and family therapists, and professional counselors for examples of what’s included.) The fact that these standards exist does not mean that everyone follows them to the letter, however—it is still important to be alert to questionable or hurtful behavior. It can be easy for formally trained, certified, and/or licensed professionals to hide behind their qualifications, but this is not a free pass for sketchy behavior. You may also have additional ethical standards for professionals that are not included in their professional codes of ethics and conduct.
For those practitioners who do not adhere to a formal code of ethics or conduct, it’s worth inquiring about how they approach safety and ethics, beyond vague statements such as “safety and ethics matter to me.” What do they consider to be the relevant issues around safety and ethics in the professional relationship? What practices do they use to attend to safety? How would they respond if clients say they are being harmed? Is there any history of past clients coming forward to say they were harmed by a given practitioner? When there is no private mechanism for lodging complaints about safety and ethics, sometimes this will come forward in the arena of public opinion, but in such cases also consider who is speaking, whether they may have another agenda, and the social dynamics of public criticism.
Effectiveness and Value
How do we gauge the effectiveness and value of any given practitioner? If clients are paying someone for a service, it helps for practitioners to be clear and detailed about what they’re offering, and for clients to be clear about their hopes and expectations. Pricing should be transparent and fair; there may be different definitions of “fair” but in a capitalist society where almost all of us are held hostage to economic factors beyond our control, “fair” usually involves an honest assessment of comparative market conditions for the type of practitioner. Skill and experience matter, both in terms of pricing as well as results. What do you hope to have at the end of a session or series of sessions? What degree of time, energy, and money are you prepared to invest? Does a given practitioner have a track record of providing value to clients? Have their clients’ lives shifted or changed in the ways that you hope to shift or change? What do client testimonials say?
Compatibility
It’s hard to get much traction in a therapeutic or learning environment without compatability. You don’t have to have the exact same life experiences, beliefs, or practices as a given professional, but it does matter if you genuinely like and respect them, respond to your interactions with enthusiasm, and feel like you are also appreciated and respected. It also matters that the professional is able to respond to your presented issues with empathy and skill, in a manner appropriate to their role. When we talk about “a good fit” between client and practitioner, we are talking about compatability.
It can be hard to know from the get-go if a practitioner will be compatible with you. It’s worth finding out to the best of your ability, whether through their website, writings, social media presence, or perhaps through a short consultation or discovery call. Even so, you may not be able to thoroughly assess compatability until you work directly with them. At that point, if you discover points of incompatability, pay attention. You are not required to continue working with someone if you decide there’s just not enough compatability—it’s a necessary ingredient in determining the value of the work. Particularly with therapy, I have heard too many stories of people who assumed that they should continue working with a therapist because they felt they were “supposed” to, that suffering through their misgivings was for their own good, that the therapist was the authority and not them, that they didn’t want to disappoint the therapist by ending things, etc. Remember that YOU are the authority on your life, including when you are struggling, confused, and seeking help. YOU are paying this professional for their services. You should be receiving value from your interactions. Helping professionals of all types understand that not all client-practitioner relationships will be compatible and that clients should be empowered to seek the help that is most useful to them. Practitioners should be prepared to refer clients to other professionals as needed; if you are working with someone who is unable or unwilling to do so, ask why.
Accountability
What systems does a practitioner have in place to take accountability for their actions? For some, this will include a board or other body that receives and handles complaints about professionals with a particular license or certification, but it does not have to be limited to formal complaint processes. How do they respond directly to complaints? Have they ever had someone complain about their services, and if so, how did they handle it? Do they have a customized accountability process?
Values and Beliefs about Non-Monogamy
Like any diverse group, professionals who work with non-monogamous clients bring differing values and beliefs about non-monogamy to that work. Understanding those values and beliefs can help you evaluate if a given practitioner is a good fit for you. Are there certain behaviors that they view as clearly “right” or “wrong” in non-monogamy? Who do they consider an authority on non-monogamy? Will they allow room for you to have opinions and practices that are different from theirs? How do they react to disagreement with their values and beliefs?
And…… another breather.
This might be a lot to take in, and my intention here is not to overwhelm you. You certainly don’t have to ask every single one of these questions I’ve put forth to every helping professional with whom you might consider working. Instead, my aim here is to bolster your critical thinking and highlight some areas where your attention and inquiry may be especially well placed. This applies to those brand new to non-monogamy as well as those who have been non-monogamous for many years. We all carry ideas and assumptions about the nature of therapy, coaching, and peer support; who occupies those roles; what is effective; and who we are and what we need.
To all those reading this, non-monogamous or not, in a client role, a professional role, both, neither—I invite your feedback on what I’ve written here. What have I missed? What especially resonates? What topics could benefit from further exploration? The more I think about this, the more I see additional facets to it. I don’t claim to have been thoroughly comprehensive here. Feel free to comment here or contact me privately.
Thanks for reading. I invite you to like, subscribe, and share this post; it helps increase the visibility of these ideas and (I hope) increases our collective resilience and bonds of kinship.
For more about me and my offerings, including trauma-informed relational coaching, therapeutic cuddling, workshops, and events, visit JenniferLuciani.com.